I have questions. Many, many questions. First and most importantly: How did the same person who gave us the heart-warming magic of E.T. create THIS? My person says this is their absolute favorite movie, which has me seriously reconsidering everything I thought I knew about them. (I still love them, of course, but REALLY?)
Three things that immediately concerned me:
- The music alone is enough to make me relocate to a higher vantage point
- Nobody in this entire movie seems to understand the concept of staying safely indoors
- Water is clearly not to be trusted (I’ve suspected this all along)
Let me start by acknowledging Mr. Spielberg’s masterful storytelling abilities. Even from behind the couch (my new reviewing spot), I could appreciate how he builds tension. The way you barely see the shark at first, just like how I never actually see the mysterious thing that makes the heater click at night. I understand this technique. I respect it. I just don’t appreciate having it used to make me jump out of my fur—I mean, seat.
Three things that prove Spielberg is a storytelling genius (even if I strongly disagree with his choice of subject matter):
- He makes you afraid of something you can’t see
- He makes you care about people who make questionable decisions
- He somehow got my person to voluntarily watch this 47 times (I counted the DVD scratches)
Chief Brody is actually quite relatable – he doesn’t want to be anywhere near that water either! Finally, someone sensible. Though I do wish he’d taken my preferred approach of relocating to the highest available surface and refusing to come down until the situation resolved itself.
The most baffling part is trying to understand how the same creative mind that showed us the gentle soul of E.T. decided that what the world needed was a giant swimming nightmare with too many teeth. It’s like finding out your favorite sunny napping spot is also where the vacuum cleaner lives. The betrayal!
Three reasons this movie challenged my trust issues:
- The beach was supposed to be safe (nowhere is safe)
- Boats were supposed to be safe (definitely not safe)
- Swimming was supposed to be safe (I KNEW IT WAS NEVER SAFE)
I have to admit, despite my profound disagreement with almost everything that happens in this movie, I understand why it’s considered a masterpiece. The way Spielberg weaves together fear, courage, and the bonds between people is remarkable. It’s just that some of us prefer our masterpieces with less chomping and more heartlight-glowing.
My person tried to explain that this movie is about facing your fears and standing up to challenges bigger than yourself. To which I say: some fears are perfectly reasonable and should be respectfully avoided. Like large bodies of water. And mechanical sharks. And that one scene that made me knock over my water bowl (we don’t talk about that scene).
Final Rating: 5 out of 5 sunbeams for filmmaking brilliance, but ZERO STARS for peace of mind
Three things I learned:
- Sometimes the people we love have surprisingly scary taste in entertainment
- Mr. Spielberg contains multitudes (some significantly more alarming than others)
- The couch has excellent hiding spots I hadn’t previously cataloged
P.S. – My person keeps saying “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” I keep responding that what we NEED is to stay away from boats entirely. This fundamental disagreement continues.
P.P.S. – To Mr. Spielberg: I forgive you because of E.T., but we need to have a serious discussion about appropriate uses of John Williams’ musical talents. That theme music follows me into my dreams.
Remember: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat” might be the famous quote, but I prefer “Let’s never go near the water again.” Though strangely, this isn’t in the movie…